He Who is allowed to Fade
by Indus
Summary: Sequel to what I've read about Meridian on the Internet. WAM January. Jack's POV at what happened to Daniel NOT SLASH.


HE WHO IS ALLOWED TO FADE

By Indus

**Summary: Jack's reaction to losing Daniel is not quite what you would expect. Jack's POV******

**Warning: My stories are always full of Jack angst and whumping. This is mostly angst and some mild swearing.******

**Pairing: Jack/Sara.**

**Spoilers: Cold Lazarus, The Enemy Within, The Fifth Day, Maternal Instincts and most especially what I have read on the Internet about Meridian, also Forever in a Day, and the episode with Ernest Littlefield.******

**Rating: PG.**

**Disclaimers**: Stargate Sg-1 and its characters are the property of Stargate SG-1 Productions Inc, Showtime/Viacom Networks Inc, MGM/UA Worldwide Television Productions Inc, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Film Corp. This story is for your entertainment only and no one paid me to write it, and I didn't intend any copyright infringement when I wrote it. Any original characters, situations, and stories do belong to me, and you can't use them without asking me. But feel free to ask. I'm pretty open to the idea of sharing fictional people.

**Special Thanks go out to Chrisbod and the people of Wam for January's Fade.**

Feedback: naurmohd@aol.com

Please do not read this if you haven't any idea of how the Internet summaries portray the end of Dr. Daniel Jackson in Meridian and don't want to know.

  


As I stand here, I am trying to come to terms with the fact that I am losing a friend. No, a best friend. It's not the first time, but even for a soldier it's not something you get used to. In fact, it's probably worse because you know your best buddy will risk his life for you. In my case, I've known that my best friends will _give _their lives for me. Kawalsky stayed back against orders to save my ass and that resulted in his death, and Daniel… hell, he died for me before we even were friends.

But this time, it's different. This time I have to accept that he'll never irritate me again on missions by being so insufferably self-righteous, and more usually just right. He won't walk to or touch things without waiting for someone to check them with. No more chess games, word plays or arguments when we forget the topic and the objective becomes winning, not getting our way. This time it really is the end of SG-1 as it once was. And as I stand here, preparing to sign a document that will state that Daniel Jackson is dead, I feel little grief. No, all I can feel is envy. 

Because he's not disappearing, he's merely fading.

He's not dying, he's becoming one with nature.

Because I would give anything to be him.

A couple of years ago, Daniel finally and permanently lost Sha're. But I'm sure part of his Oma Desala thing is that he is somewhere between our reality and hers, and if we can communicate with him, I'm sure she will be able to. So he'll get what he wanted, what he started here for, and he'll finally know again what it feels like to be in that place of happiness, of knowing that you love, and are loved in return.

See, a lot of people here think Sam is my Sha're. But I wouldn't risk the structure of command by starting a relationship with her the way Daniel and Sha're broke about every rule in the book in the space of a few days. No, my relationship with her is not the way it should be, and maybe someday down the line when I'm not her CO we'll get around to doing one-tenth of what the rumor mill says we've already done, but she's not my Sha're. No, my Sha're is an elegant blonde with the warmest green eyes you've ever seen. My Sha're is as wise as Daniel's, even if she isn't as smart as Sam. My Sha're is Sara.

I mean… Sara is the one who I loved passionately, the way I could a decade ago. She's the one who could still make my heart race after over a decade of marriage. We weren't like a couple of newlyweds at the end, but we were in a better place, one that Daniel and Sha're would have eventually found, if life had left them. Coming home, knowing she would always be there, always loving and supporting… It doesn't get any better than that. But before the baseball games and Saturdays at the park with Charlie, there was riding horses on the beach; carriage rides through the park and nights that never ended. I don't think I can ever give that much of myself to another woman. I don't think I ever could have with any other woman.

If we had divorced badly, things might be different. But the anger and bitterness had nothing to do with each other, and everything to do with Charlie's death. Somehow I just know that we would still be together if our son was alive, and we would be just as happy as we once were. There isn't a day that I don't wake up wishing that the last almost six years were a dream, and reality is being home with Sara and Charlie.

Charlie… he's another reason I envy Daniel. Now Danny's going to be with Shifu, and he will teach him and love him like a father. And I'm sure Danny's going to do a hell of a better job of protecting his kid than I did. Oh, I know that technically Shifu is Apophis' son, but he's Sha're's boy, and that makes him Daniel's kid too. I can see Danny with this earnest look on his face, trying to see the wonders of the universe and share them with the kid. And I can see him ready to kill, to save the boy. He'll be great, and I don't think he'll need to remember one-tenth of the things I taught him. 

I don't know if more children will ever be in the cards for me. There was a chance once with Laira, to be a father to a boy only a few years older than Charlie, a husband to a woman remarkably similar in temperament and strength to Sara, and a new father to a child who would be mine in every sense of the word. Sometimes I saw Edora as a place where I had never committed the sin of carelessness, thereby killing my only son. Instead, it was like a parallel universe, and I was more at home there than on Earth, which had become a private hell of my own making.

Sounds dramatic. I don't know why I'm thinking so much when I'm supposed to be signing a report. Maybe it's because signing it will make the loss of Daniel official, and I'm not ready for that. Or maybe it's because I want a second chance too, the one I had to give up on Edora. I want to be able to watch my child go, be able to openly love and once more feel the love of the woman who gave me that child…

And Daniel is more than getting to be with his family, he's also achieving his dreams. All his life, he's been looking for the meaning of life stuff, and he came so close a few times. I can still remember the way he didn't want to leave Ernest's little castle, even though he knew it was crumbling to the ground. And then there were the hours he spent trying to communicate with the Oma Desala while an army of Goa'uld was on its way. And now he's going to finally get his answers. Lucky bastard.

Me, I once had dreams. Might sound strange for a warrior, but they were dreams of peace. All of my life, I fought so that one day my son might not have to fight. I forgot that for a while when I lost him, until Daniel made me remember. So now I fight for other people's children, against an enemy that they aren't even aware of. But I have come to terms with the knowledge that I may never see real peace on this world, and most likely not on any other. The Nox… but they don't want me, and I don't know if I can ever be that nonviolent. And I sometimes wonder if they will always be as untouchable as they are now.

There, it's signed. Dr. Daniel Jackson is no more. It's not the first time, but this time it is permanent. We may see him again, but he won't be a part of SG-1. Wow, the streak is over, and the one intact SG team is now forever changed. I once called Daniel our conscience, and I can't help but wonder if the new guy will be as good and as fearless as him. I'm a soldier, and I have to accept changes like this, but it's different with Daniel. He wasn't a soldier, and proud of it.

But Daniel is truly in better place, and that's not even a euphemism in this case. I am happy for him, and I will miss him, but somehow… I can't help envying him. Long after the ink on this document fades, he will be somewhere in the galaxy, learning and teaching, loved by many. Because that is his destiny, and mine… I don't know whether I'm going back to hell or to heaven, but I know I'll go there fighting.

THE END 

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